Upload your rental agreement
Send us the lease or the relevant lawn-care clause. We isolate the obligation, the standard, and the parts written entirely in landlord vibes.
Adversarial lawn care for renters
Hate your
landlord?
They aren’t lord of anything, are they? And they want you to do lawn care and maintain their asset?
We’re here to help.
PRE-LAUNCH · DISCOUNT MONTH-TO-MONTH PLANS · INVESTMENT: guillotine@lawnfucker.com
LEASE
OBLIGATION
DETECTED
OBLIGATION
DETECTED
MINIMUM
COMPLIANCE
COMPLIANCE
READ THE LEASE.FIND THE FLOOR.FUCK THE LAWN.
MACHETEFIREWILD DOGS
The founding grievance
They aren’t lord of anything, are they? And they want you to do lawn care and maintain their asset?
How it works
The least you can do.
Professionally.
LawnFucker reads the lawn-care language in your rental agreement, identifies the minimum defensible standard, and builds a discount month-to-month plan to meet the letter of the lease—with absolutely no reverence for the lawn.
Our expert AI reads it
The system determines the worst lawn-care job that can still plausibly fulfill the agreement. Minimum compliance, now with document analysis.
Choose a month-to-month plan
Select the right level of adversarial landscaping and proceed without buying a mower for a home you do not own.
Our plans
Choose your level of compliance.
Every plan begins with the lease. Pricing follows document review, yard conditions, municipal tolerance, and how quickly our eventual lawyer calls us back.
PLAN 01Month-to-month
Machete
Precision is a landlord preference.
- Angry man with zero lawn-care experience
- Out of shape and shirtless
- Uses a machete—and maybe an axe—to “mow”
AVAILABLE UPGRADES
Request availability- Shouting at neighbors
- Middle-of-the-night option
PLAN 02Month-to-month
Fire
Fast. Thorough. Extremely permit-dependent.
- Also an angry man with no lawn-care experience
- Experienced with lighting and controlling fires
- Gas cans and a blowtorch
AVAILABLE UPGRADES
Request availability- Burning garbage ($)
- Tires ($$)
- Livestock corpses ($$$)
PLAN 03Month-to-month
Wild Dogs
Organic. Distributed. Deeply unpleasant.
- We spray beef bouillon on the lawn
- We bury meat
- We hire dogs with zero lawn-care experience to maintain the lawn
- Added benefit of dog shit
AVAILABLE UPGRADES
Request availability- Dogs pre-fed spicy beans
- Larger, sick rescue dogs
PRE-LAUNCH CONCEPTS. NOTHING ON THIS PAGE AUTHORIZES ARSON, PROPERTY DAMAGE, ANIMAL ABUSE, TRESPASS, OR BEING A DICK TO THE NEIGHBORS.
Capital allocation
Fund the resistance.
AI-assisted lease analysis. Recurring renter subscriptions. A brand people remember after the eighth property-tech pitch of the night.
Investment inquiriesFrom the dispatch
Property conflict, freshly cut.
We track the tiny lawn wars that expose the enormous power imbalance hiding inside “just read your lease.”
‘It’s Grass, Not Gold’: Anatomy of a Rental Lawn Meltdown
A viral landlord-tenant text fight turned ordinary grass into a perfect diagram of who controls a rental and who performs the unpaid labor.
5 min readRead the file →
Keep the Lawn 75% Green—or Else
A renter said an HOA rule forced them to run sprinklers and pay the water bill. The owner kept the asset; the tenant got the drought math.
5 min readRead the file →
Colorado: Threatened With Eviction Over a Lawn Already Fixed
A Colorado renter said they completed demanded yard work by the deadline and still feared eviction. Documentation is not paranoia; it is armor.
6 min readRead the file →